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Thursday, July 15, 2004
i just wanna cry in front of you
It's about half past two in the morning, and I've been awake since ten o'clock this morning (yesterday morning?). Yet I'm not sleepy.
I've been missing Laura quite a bit these past couple of days. It's gotten me thinking, but then who wouldn't expect that to happen, eh? :P I'm missing 2003, a lot of those two semesters - the end of tenth grade and the beginning of eleventh grade.
(There's so much going on in my mind right now; my thoughts are racing, and I just can't seem to keep up. This is so frustrating. I really want to get this down.)
I've gone through so many things these past three years. I feel as if I'm at a standstill in my life right now. It's as if I boarded a train and spent the time watching out of the windows as we passed such happenings that I never imagined I would witness (it has been so incredible a journey); and now the train's stopped at a station where I have to find another train. I don't know which to choose, though, and I don't even know where to begin, where to look. I feel as if I've been stranded at the station, with only the trains I've already ridden visible to me. I've been remembering my trip, and missing it, as I look back at those trains, and I wish I could get back on and see those landscapes of my past again. But I can't: when I took my eyes off of the doors and looked back again, they were closed and locked. I can still look into the windows at some of the people with whom I shared the cars, but they're only memories - they fade with time. It's killing me that I can't go back - I'm paralyzed with fear at moving on. I don't have any idea where to start.
I've created a pretend world to which I often escape. I've built up on it so much that sometimes I miss it as if it were my real past. I'm sure that can't be too healthy. Nostalgia in high doses is never healthy, is it?
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 3:25 am by annieleftie
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Ooh time for a new entry.
Not too much has gone on lately. I've gotten to hang out with Emilie quite a few times and it always brings me up to see her and spend time with her. :) I got a hair cut and then a few days later slept over her house with a camera and we took pictures. Used up all of the film, and still haven't gotten it developed. Figures...
I think I wrote a song. I'm not going to post it here or anything, because I've only gotten far enough that I can talk-sing it. You know, like without real pitches. But when I get it finished I'll put it up. :)
Things have been pretty calm lately...I can't think of anything worth telling. I'll try to find something about which to rant or ramble or something soon, though.
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 6:49 pm by annieleftie
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
i can't always be the rock that you see
I suppose congratulations are in order: I've gratuated from therapy today. Laura gave me a present. A book. Composed of essays written by Maya Angelou. Called Wouldn't Take Nothing for my Journey Now. :)
However, I'm not in the best mood right now.
And I'd much rather not go into details. >:|
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 7:32 pm by annieleftie
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Apologies for not posting in a while. I developed a sudden disinterest in the computer. *shrug*
Anyway.
I popped the little e string on my guitar. :( I can't make music anymore until I get it replaced..
I'm supposed to go swimming again tomorrow, but that's Father's Day and I don't quite get how the group plans to go out swimming on Father's Day..
I have one brownie left and I'm contemplating eating it. I look at it, and it looks scrumptious. But do I really feel like eating a brownie? Or is it the brownie itself that feels like being eaten? If that's the case, then I don't want to go against what I want. But what if what I want is to eat the brownie? (I'm thinking way too much about this. Actually, it's all just an act. I know it's not worth thinking about that much. I'll just eat it if I so desire enough to get off my lazy bum and get a glass of milk to accompany it.)
Mom might take me to get a hair cut later today. I know how I want it styled; I just have to figure out how to word it the correct way, so the stylist will understand.
That's all for today's randomness. More might come later. :)
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 12:23 pm by annieleftie
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
fall around me like a sun shower
I had an appointment with Dr. McKay today. (McKay today. rhymes...*smile*)
Remember when I saw The View that day and Maurice Benard (I'll be so pleased with myself if I've gotten that name correct..) was on, and he was talking about his bipolar disorder and stressing how important the medications were? And how that made me realize just how much my medicine does affect me and encouraged me to take it? I told Dr. McKay about that today. She was impressed and happy, and we've decided to keep the Trileptal at its current dosage for now. :)
At some point in the conversation, I mentioned something that sparked her attention and got her thinking. She asked me a bunch of random questions, which I answered without hesitation (because I trusted wherever she was going..I quite like the way Dr. McKay thinks..). At the end of that little question and answer session, Dr. McKay revealed her reasoning behind it. I've now been diagnosed with ADHD Inattention, which most people refer to as ADD rather than ADHD (although the technical term for both versions is ADHD..the H is just taken out in less technical terms because the "hyperactive" doesn't quite exist).
Now I am taking 60Mg of Strattera per day in addition to the 1200Mg of Trileptal per day I'd already been prescribed.
While we were talking, before the question-answer session related to ADHD Inattention, Dr. McKay mentioned adding in an antidepressant now that I had gotten used to the mood stabilizer. She said that if we had put me on an antidepressant at first instead of the mood stabilizer, it would have thrown me into a manic situation. But, generally, once a mood stabilizer has been introduced and in the system for a while, sometimes an antidepressant is still needed to raise the mood. Dr. McKay asked if I felt that my general mood might need the help of an antidepressant as well, and we decided that I'd be all right without adding one in. The thing is, Strattera also works as an antidepressant. In my case, because we have now already introduced and used the Trileptal - aka mood stabilizer - for a suitable time, we can try the Strattera - doubling as an antidepressant and medication for the ADHD Inattention - without too much of a risk of any manic spells. After discovering the ADHD Inattention, Dr. McKay decided to connect the bipolar disorder and ADHD and to use the medication that would double as an antidepressant. It's almost an experiment, yet not quite.
I've been instructed to stop taking the Strattera immediately if I feel worse or if the bipolar symptoms return strongly enough and to call Dr. McKay and let her know that I've stopped taking it. Otherwise, I'm to call her up in a couple of weeks or so and let her know how it's working. I go to see her again on July 20th.
Meanwhile, I believe my last session with Laura is the 23rd of this month. Kind of bittersweet; it is empowering to believe I'm ready to stop therapy; but I don't hate talking to Laura, really. Well, the way I look at it is whatever is meant to work out will work out. To quote a new and wonderfully talented country artist, Julie Roberts: "God brought me this far; he won't leave me now."
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 4:43 pm by annieleftie
Thursday, June 03, 2004
:D Mom took me swimsuit shopping after all. It took a while, but I found the perfect suit. The top is absolutely marvelous. :)
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying;
Smile! What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worth while,
If you just
Smile.
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 5:51 pm by annieleftie
Mom and I were all ready to go at about 9am this morning; we were about to walk out the door. At the last second, Daddy said something about an appointment and how Mom was thoughtless, which started an arguement. We wound up not going. Daddy then refused to let Mom take me anywhere (makes no sense...), and refused to leave to take me to my appointment with Laura until 11:15am. I was late to my appointment, and it's now 2:20pm and I still haven't gone swimsuit shopping with Mom. My feeling of doubt that we'll go at all is growing stronger and stronger by the second.
:| Every time I want to go somewhere, they begin an arguement somehow. How I wish my jeep would magically acquire a full tank of gas and a new transmission.
And here I was, so excited about going out with Mom, hoping that we could get along while shopping... I guess it might be for the better; we most likely would have wound up with Mom getting impatient and me feeling depressed and rushing and buying a horrible suit. :|
Anyway.
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 2:22 pm by annieleftie
your heart says try again
I went rollerblading with Emilie and Shelley yesterday morning. It was around midnight when I started getting ready for bed, and I decided I should probably stay up instead, because I figured I wouldn't get up in time if I went to bed then. So, I tried staying up. I only made it to about 1:30am, and fell asleep. Guess what happened. I woke up without an alarm or anything at 6:45am! :) And I was refreshed enough to get up immediately and begin getting ready. So by the time Emilie got to my house (around 7:30am), I was ready to leave. :D I felt so cool, being up so early on a summer morning.
It's a little after 7am right now. Mom and I are supposed to go run some errands together and then go swimsuit shopping afterwards. Yesterday, after I'd gotten home from rollerblading, I asked her if she could just take me to my appointment with Laura and then afterwards we could go run the errands and swimsuit shopping. Before I could finish, she said something about going before my appointment. Well, my appointment is at 11:30am, so I'm thinking we will leave a bit early. Perhaps around 9am, give or take. Mom's not up, yet...
I'm thinking I may not have another interesting update until Sunday evening... I don't really have anything much planned until that afternoon. We'll see. Right now, though, I'm going to end this and go pay attention to my Pat Benatar cd. :)
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 7:22 am by annieleftie
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Well, the rollerblading didn't happen. 'Tis tuesday night, and we were planning to go tomorrow morning. Oh, Emilie just called; we're planning that her dad will be giving both Shelley and me a ride in the morning. I'm to be ready at around 7:30am.
MYF (Methodist Youth Foundation) is having a pool party for the meeting this next Sunday. We're meeting at the church arount 2pm, then driving over to the pool of choice and hanging out until around 6pm. We're ordering pizza sometime in between there, too. While at the previous meeting, this past Sunday, we all agreed that everyone chip in $5 for the pizza. I came home and told my parents about the finding-a-swimsuit issue and then the $5. At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to go (because that's almost $20 minimum that I would need), but Mom said she'd have a $20 bill set aside for me on Thursday and that she would take me swimsuit shopping then. :) ... :| I do, however, feel guilty about Mom spending that $20 on me when she could be using it to pay bills for the house. There's so much for which I feel badly. I fear that if I start naming things - even with a few items being my intention - I'll wind up making this entry too long to post. So I'll just leave it alone and change the subject.
I hung out with Emilie and Shelley this past Sunday, before the MYF meeting. There was supposed to be a riverwalk with the MYF, but it wound up getting canceled so the three of us just enjoyed some time together at Shelley's house. We ate a little and hung around in Shelley's room, then went swimming in her pool, before we went on to the MYF meeting at the hut (where 'tis usually held). That was a fun afternoon, indeed.
Mom just came into my room to show me a pair of pants she bought recently. They look so cute on her, and they go very well with her haircut. I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, but it's true. Plus, this is me talking. :P Anyway, Mom's excited because the pants are two sizes smaller than she was about two months ago or something. She's only about 20 pounds heavier than I am, and before long we'll be able to borrow each other's clothes. :) That's going to be a blast. I'm glad we have similar tastes in fasion. :)
This entry is almost bittersweet. Depressed thoughts mingled with happy thoughts. Well, it could always be the Trileptal. I've been forgetting to take it a lot lately, which I'm guessing isn't a very good thing...
I was watching The View the other day, and an actor from General Hospital, Maurice Benard, was on. He mentioned having bipolar disorder (manic depression), and was stressing how important taking his medications was. Rosie O'Donnell was a guest-co-host, and she was agreeing with him, as well as the rest of the ladies. Just the fact that they talked about this has given me encouragement about it. And then how they were stressing the importance of the medications for bipolar disorder... I'm kind of glad I saw that episode of The View. I think. Well, truthfully I've never really known how I feel about having it and taking the medicine. I don't think I mind; otherwise, I wouldn't take the Trileptal, would I? ...
You know, I think I've begun pretending to be okay again. And I've looked back on the past few weeks, and it seems that the Trileptal does sort of have an effect on me. I don't like pretending. I hate it very much. I don't want to do it. Maybe the Trileptal is one of my only hopes. :|...
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 9:53 pm by annieleftie
Friday, May 28, 2004
I believe Emilie and I are planning to go rollerblading again at Finlay Park on Monday, this time bringing Shelley along. That should be fun.
Other than that nothing has really gone on for me. :P Exciting life I lead, isn't it? Hah. Well, perhaps next time I'll have something more interesting about which to write. Cross your fingers!
Smile,
Annie
Posted at 10:39 pm by annieleftie
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